WAIT, I THOUGHT THIS BITCH WAS ON A HIATUS? WHAT SHE DOIN BACK ONLINE?
i shall begin with a small story time (i wish i had the balls to actually do videos and post them online but the possibility of working in government/as a teacher looms over me).
after a 9/10 month dating app hiatus (except for that one time i had a mini breakdown while studying for finals and used tinder web for a few minutes), i finally found myself typing up "bumble.com" in my search bar one fateful afternoon (after promising my lunch buddy "ya ok what you say makes sense, i wont go back to the apps"). what possessed me to do this? most likely a combination of boredom and desire for male attention. i selected my pictures - picture 1: cute picture of me in sunlight taken by D, picture 2: a quirky picture of me laughing and showing off me b00ty taken by B and picture 3: a simple cute smiley photo of me against some foliage (lets see if you can already spot my rookie mistake).
after swiping right on every guy for awhile (i was trying to leave it up to fate rather than choice) bumble finally stopped me with its right-swiping-limit and i went to bed. the next day i woke to a bunch of matches and naturally, felt validated - they like me !
but then came scrolling through and deciding who to actually talk to (still prefer this to being bombarded with 50 "hi how are you"s - 50? i exaggerate, im cute but not 50-messages-on-tinder-cute).
so look, im not trying to be racist or xenophobic, but i was trying to sieve out the guys who might be from india. as someone who likes brown dudes, i have not-so-unintentionally gone out with AND slept with more men from india than i have from singapore. tried and tested, i havent exactly gotten along with them - we always reach a wall, especially when it comes to humour. i dont have much luck in dating as it is so i just wanted increase probability of vibing by talking to sinGaporean men. so that was my little prelude, please dont get me wrong dear readers.
WHO AM I?
so i deliver some quality bantery messages to a handful of guys - top notch stuff. but then i realise, i've forgotten how to talk to boys. sending the first message is like composing a tweet, one-way, quippy, funny, more so for your entertainment. but once they reply, it becomes a two-way thing.
suddenly im stuck.
stumped.
to the guy with the bio "the best indian you'll ever takeaway" do i say, "yeah i love eating indian food if you know what i mean ;)" - because thats my default! innuendo-riddled sexy fun timez messages! but no, thats not what we're doing anymore. we're trying to nOT have meaningless sex with strangers remember. so... what do i do, what do i say? i went on a date with a guy (with whom i am now pals with, shout out to you D!), and he told me i was coming off too strong with the whole "tell me how you REALLY feel, who are you REALLY", so i was trying not to veer into that either. avoid the extremes! so this was obstacle number 1: how the fuck am i supposed to be my authentic self...
i decided: dont put so much pressure on what youre saying exactly, just have the right intentions
the right intentions being: get to know him, not bone him
and with that i merrily chatted with a few suitors
WHO ARE THEY AND WHAT THE HELL DO THEY WANT FROM ME?
one guy in particular catches my attention. our conversation flows really easily (its indian takeaway man). we move to telegram real fast (i was hesitant but i was also trying not to second guess things too much, "go with the flow" as the kids say). i made it a point to not explicitly say, "oh im looking to vibe with someone and then possibly have sex with them" - in the past ive been very upfront with my intentions, but ive learnt that this kind of robs the connection of genuinely developing. instead of actually engaging with them, i have an internal checklist of what should/shouldnt happen. so this time, im free and easy (not like THAT).
after a few messages, i realise he's being a bit overtly flirty with the "hey sexy"s and "is that ass real", but okay, i excuse it because he also asks more innocuous questions like, "what do you look for in a guy" and "what're you up to". i dont encourage the flirty messages, i deflect them by asking more questions instead (nice one girl, there was a time when you wouldve jumped on the opportunity to send someone a naked picture). i pat myself on the back for being a good converser with this man. eventually we decide to meet and THAT'S when things get hella confusing.
firstly, he refuses to pick me up even though its along the way. is this a red flag? am i asking for too much? should i insist on it to make a statement about what kind of girl i am?
secondly, upon meeting he cannot. shut. up. about how pretty i am. yall, im not trying to be self-deprecating, i know i am pretty and hot and all, but no one has gone on and on about it like him. it confused me more so than validated me.
thirdly, all this below:
so after grabbing my hand a few times in the car and interlocking his with mine, we get to mount faber. i think to myself: great, we can walk and talk, and attempt to get to know each other. but then, all hell breaks loose. fella keeps touching my ass, says weird things like "do you know how many other girls i cancelled on to meet you, i wanted to see if that ass was real". i thoroughly regretted my cheeky (pun always intended) ass pic immediately.
the thing is, i really wouldnt mind something casual. i would just like to talk first and establish some vibing before getting into that. at this point, i was sick of being sexualised, i dont need it no more! but, he's hella cute and very attractive despite all this, and i proceed to engage in risque activity with him. i apologise to my country for soiling mount faber like this!
some particularly weird moments during said activity:
- him grabbing my neck and pulling me into his face to kiss him, ignoring my "your hurting me"s
- him kissing me while i was mid-sentence
- him talking a lot about himself (this one i didnt hate, but i'd like to be asked questions too)
- his dogged insistence on fixing my jaw even though i said no multiple times (he proceeded to semi-erotically coerce me into opening and closing my mouth while he pressed on my jaw. only a man has the confidence to play doctor amirite)
- him doing other stuff despite me saying no multiple times
to his credit: maybe i wasnt saying no convincingly enough. maybe i did actually want it? maybe i was distracted because he was cute. i really dont know.
even though i didnt want to, i launched into a small monologue about how i was trying to change my ways, but it was met with indifference.
okay so thats all he wanted, to have sex with me. noted.
THE AMBIGUITY, THE FUCKING AMBIGUITY
okay so the next day, fully aware of what he wants, i think to myself, "maybe having a fk buddy before i fly off isnt such a bad thing". i ask him if he wants to meet up and im met with a cold, disinterested message.
i shouldnt let this get to me right? but i did. not because he "rejected" me, but because i was upset with myself.
had i undone my 9-10 months of work? all the growing i was trying to do? 10 months later and i end up in the exact position that prompted me to go on a hiatus in the first place.
my mini spiral leads me to question, am i even capable of letting a man get to know me and getting to know a man (in a non-platonic capacity ofc, shout out to my male friends reading this, love yall boos)?
i am fed up with being in these positions. the grayest of gray situationships where being treated like a human being is a delightful surprise more so than the status quo and where i am always in a state of confusion as to who i am or what i want.
THE END
so i go home. delete his messages and telegram contact. delete my bumble.com account. and meet my friend for gengki sushi to nurse my sadness.
and folks, this is why dating apps make me wanna cry.
