the universe has taken upon itself to ensure that i cease online dating
for the umpteenth time, something has not gone my way. i finally realise why this was is and continues to be so upsetting. it is a cognitive dissonance of sorts. when what you imagine and what happens in reality completely mismatch - like a mini shock to your system.
my butt is a blessing and a curse, but mostly a curse
i feel like a pornstar who's trying to break out of the scene and change her line of work. there is for sure an element of self sabotage and lack of control on my part. perhaps the ideal hang/bang situation i envision is not something that can even happen - for anyone.
having sex does not mean i deserve less respect
i fear that i have grown accustom to inherently distrusting men. recently after sexting, a guy said he had a family emergency, wasnt in a good place and didnt want to meet anymore. my deep distrust led me to actually entertain the thought that he could be lying, and even im being honest, 5% of me still thinks that. which makes me ugly honestly. this distrust can manifest in a self-centeredness that i resent.
i am running out of lessons to learn
i feel like ive learnt every lesson out there. ive nursed the hurt from being ghosted, from him liking someone else and from a simple lack of reciprocity.
the. irony. of. just. wanting. to. have. sex. with. someone. i. vibe. with.
what does this connote? hassle free, problem free, light, easy.
what does this entail? uncertainty, lack of closure, ambiguity.
stop having sex?
starting to believe that this is the answer. perhaps, yes, it does feed into the madonna-whore complex. but i am also just utterly tired. so maybe i stop fighting, stop trying to defy the norm.
