R messaged with some bad news and i havent been able to get it out of my head.
so he hasnt been replying much lately, with other guys my defence mechanisms wouldve kicked in - okay dont look too eager, it seems like hes pulling away, time to play the game who have can act cooler; colder. but lets be real.. anyone who knows me knows i suck at being cold. and if he did pull away, it would absolute sense. we couldnt be physically further apart, and he has a full life with children and a job. out of everyone, all the other men ive encountered, he has the most legitimate reason to essentially... ignore me...
its funny. J has told me before: you should expect more, you shouldnt let them treat you like that, cut him off he sounds nasty.
my resistance to cutting these guys off at the first sign of aforementioned nasty behaviour was a mixture of wanting to believe in the good of people + being in denial that i wasnt being treated with respect.
where does this come from? how can i begin to unpack this? is it just something you learn with experience?
i feel so much love for R (i guess im not exactly in love with him). and i felt like that was wrong. i felt like i simply loved him for being kind to me. its honestly tiring to continuously question your feelings: are you only in love with the idea of him? is this just a case ~daddy issues~? is it because hes the first guy you feel secure with?
i honestly feel a lil crazy haha. ive been thinking about him and this bad incident of his the whole morning. the man doesnt like much in this world, i cant imagine what effect this would have on him. im touched that he let me in like this? maybe im blowing it out of proportion but he's only let me in on his emotions in the tiniest drips and drabs - can i blame him though. im just a young punk making a cameo appearance in the third act of his life hahah.
ive been thinking how i can get myself back to the Netherlands. is there an expiration date to this, or can we pick up from where we left off even years down the road? would he really be okay with him living with him for awhile or was that just something he said in the moment?
one little fantasy ive been holding onto is heading down there for a short stint - a job or internship or something - staying with him, getting domestic, cooking and watching things together, making myself scarce when his kids come to visit, popping over to Denmark to see my darling M or to London to see my beautiful aunt and cousins.
i feel like its such a waste that we had planned all these things to do together, and never got around to it. ofc i'd need some excuse (the internship/job) to underplay how crazy it'd be for me to fly 17 hours for a man i kinda barely know.
i keep saying "youre so beautiful" in my head. which is such a cheesy thing to think, but i feel that a lot about him?
okay so ultimately, this post is for anyone who feels crazy for loving someone they barely know. as with all things crazy, dont worry im one step ahead of you.
