attempting to pen my thoughts down (and vehemently ejected out of my mind) before i go back to my corporate job and tasks
today N and i had a rollercoaster-y morning
it started with him joking that he might have to sail for another month before coming home
i was barely awake, slowly coming back to reality after having a dream about N
i was in a Grab car and the Grab driver somehow knew N, he said, "oh you're N's girlfriend? look i just got this letter from him!"
my first thought wasn't, "why are N and this random Grab driver friends", it was "what the fuck, N has time to write letters to THIS fella and NOT me?" i text him, and he replies that it's too hard to write a letter to me, too emotionally hard
how apt that this dream was followed by a conversation about his dreams, in the literal sense - his aspirations and life goals
N wants to move overseas
my first thought: let's not go anywhere where i have a history with a man
in Singapore, when things get hard, i dont feel compelled to run to any other man - obviously no one compares to him, no connection i've had has come close
but across Europe (i say across, but really its just 2 places), i've left unfinished business - a passionate 1 month affair abruptly and prematurely ended because of COVID, and a strange but intense textual relationship with a random psychology student - of course only in a pandemic era would these connections have been possible, propelled by a profound sense of isolation, texting under your blanket before you go to sleep, after an uneventful but also content day of watching Better Call Saul and making eggs for breakfast - these men served as my little windows of escape, my shot of adrenaline as the days bled into each other, as the months go past without being named or marked or acknowledged
im not proud of this, but i take a tiny bit of solace knowing i'm probably not alone - the allure of a foreign stranger in your pocket
"if things get hard because of the distance, i don't want these men to be around me, like a convenient option"
"ill have no support network, no family or friends, ill need to be so strong"
my initial excitement of moving overseas with N were undercut by these fears (i have to remind myself that they are valid.. they are right?)
with N, i cant just dream of the idyllic, picturesque sights or the aimless walking down European cobbley pavements or the fully stocked supermarkets filled with endless combinations of ham and cheese sandwiches dying to be made in our kitchen
instead i have to think of stark loneliness, i have to think of zero support, i have to think of embodying some kind of strength which i fear i don't have - physical, mental, emotional
no one tells you that lost girl + very not-lost boy = even more lost girl
N has goals - concrete, realistic, achievable, you-can-almost-smell-them type goals
i have lofty thoughts, an inkling here and there, the draw of comfort and familiarity, the small desire to thrive in a foreign land
i dont know when it started, i think the last time i made a good, concrete life goal decision, was when i was 12
ever since then, its been "i-dont-know"s, "what-if"s and "if-they-can-why-cant-i"s
at the same time..
i can also imagine riding comfortably on the coat tails of his dreams, free-loading off of his uncertainty, basking in his love, and finding myself and my answers in the process, with a more pleasant view, cool weather, and slightly more cost-friendly oat milk coffee... that could be nice too right?
for now, i wait
for N to come back
for us to create more memories together
for us to get to know each other on a deeper level
for us to grow our love with deep, deep roots
because this is my first boyfriend, but part of me also hopes its my last