On Disappointing Your Friends (and Family), Amongst Other Things

This is a public declaration that I have not been a good friend (and arguably, person) this 2019. In a mere month, I have hurt (or at least pissed off/annoyed/irritated) 4 people who are close to me. If there are more, please don't come forward, I don't think I can handle it.

I don't hold myself to impossible standards. Bad grades are reasoned away with the logic that the module was bad or the professor was terrible or I wasn't in the right headspace. If I'm in a rush, you will catch me in a substandard outfit. I don't pride myself on being the most eloquent person in the room. We are all supposed to be our own worst critics. I've never entirely related to that saying. I give myself a lot of leeway and let myself make mistakes - mostly the administrative kind. Recently a friend of mine pointed out that I wasn't as caught up in the "rat race" as everyone else is in school.

But if there is one aspect in which I do conform to this saying, it is in my relationships.

I first discovered the power of friendship when I met my best friend at 14. Up till then, I always assumed family came first and then friends were temporary guests in the living room of my life. But this friend taught me that friends can be family, and that relationships can be so fulfilling. I haven't looked back since. I subtly inspect other people's friendships - I sit on my high horse of healthy relationships and superb open communication, and dispense unsolicited advice.

But when that bedrock is gone, when my relationships develop friction, I feel like I lose all legitimacy. Worse than that, I feel like I've lost myself.

My first instinct is always to get defensive. "I didn't mean it that way", "You're reading too much into it", "That wasn't my intention" but all these attempts at defending myself are instantly negated, instantly undermined, when I realise I've hurt someone I love. Nothing is more depressing.

Kinda hard to think of a silver lining, happy ending. Even as I write this in retrospect, it makes me sad. Seeing a counsellor in a few weeks, let's see if that helps.