Boyfriend / Boyfiend - The Tinder Times realises having a Boyfriend doesn't make life perfect

attempting to pen my thoughts down (and vehemently ejected out of my mind) before i go back to my corporate job and tasks

today N and i had a rollercoaster-y morning 

it started with him joking that he might have to sail for another month before coming home 

i was barely awake, slowly coming back to reality after having a dream about N 

i was in a Grab car and the Grab driver somehow knew N, he said, "oh you're N's girlfriend? look i just got this letter from him!"

my first thought wasn't, "why are N and this random Grab driver friends", it was "what the fuck, N has time to write letters to THIS fella and NOT me?" i text him, and he replies that it's too hard to write a letter to me, too emotionally hard 

how apt that this dream was followed by a conversation about his dreams, in the literal sense - his aspirations and life goals

N wants to move overseas 

my first thought: let's not go anywhere where i have a history with a man 

in Singapore, when things get hard, i dont feel compelled to run to any other man - obviously no one compares to him, no connection i've had has come close 

but across Europe (i say across, but really its just 2 places), i've left unfinished business - a passionate 1 month affair abruptly and prematurely ended because of COVID, and a strange but intense textual relationship with a random psychology student - of course only in a pandemic era would these connections have been possible, propelled by a profound sense of isolation, texting under your blanket before you go to sleep, after an uneventful but also content day of watching Better Call Saul and making eggs for breakfast - these men served as my little windows of escape, my shot of adrenaline as the days bled into each other, as the months go past without being named or marked or acknowledged

im not proud of this, but i take a tiny bit of solace knowing i'm probably not alone - the allure of a foreign stranger in your pocket 

"if things get hard because of the distance, i don't want these men to be around me, like a convenient option"

"ill have no support network, no family or friends, ill need to be so strong"

my initial excitement of moving overseas with N were undercut by these fears (i have to remind myself that they are valid.. they are right?)

with N, i cant just dream of the idyllic, picturesque sights or the aimless walking down European cobbley pavements or the fully stocked supermarkets filled with endless combinations of ham and cheese sandwiches dying to be made in our kitchen 

instead i have to think of stark loneliness, i have to think of zero support, i have to think of embodying some kind of strength which i fear i don't have - physical, mental, emotional

no one tells you that lost girl + very not-lost boy = even more lost girl

N has goals - concrete, realistic, achievable, you-can-almost-smell-them type goals 

i have lofty thoughts, an inkling here and there, the draw of comfort and familiarity, the small desire to thrive in a foreign land 

i dont know when it started, i think the last time i made a good, concrete life goal decision, was when i was 12 

ever since then, its been "i-dont-know"s, "what-if"s and "if-they-can-why-cant-i"s

at the same time.. 

i can also imagine riding comfortably on the coat tails of his dreams, free-loading off of his uncertainty, basking in his love, and finding myself and my answers in the process, with a more pleasant view, cool weather, and slightly more cost-friendly oat milk coffee... that could be nice too right?

for now, i wait 

for N to come back

for us to create more memories together

for us to get to know each other on a deeper level

for us to grow our love with deep, deep roots 

because this is my first boyfriend, but part of me also hopes its my last 

The Tinder Times finds Love (... but alas... it is cruel)

i just got off the phone with my boyfriend (after slightly more than 2 months, i'm finally able to say/type the word without feeling like an imposter), and he said he might need to extend his contract by a month. i've known this before - about the volatility of his industry and the changing schedules, but hearing it again tonight, on the cusp of the most emotional few days of the month, filled me with a deep sadness. 

N works in an industry that requires the following:

• 5 or more months away from friends and family, travelling to various countries
• Vulnerability to bad weather which can result in the following:
• Not being in the physical state to call your girlfriend
• WiFi connection cutting out entirely
• A limit of 600MB of WiFi/data a day (we've estimated that a 45min video call wipes out 400MB)
• Regular shift work which means no phone use
• A job that makes you tired enough to want to nap during your free hours 

right before i fell silent on the call, thinking about the added months away from him, i made N recall our first staycation together. it was a beautiful night. if ever i were to capture every aspect of a memory in our relationship - the tastes, the smells, the sounds, the touches, the temperatures - it would be this moment. it was on this night that N went from being that mildly-SIMPy-dude-that-i-might-be-spending-too-much-time-with to something more. 

we realised that there wasn't an awkward moment between us - from the first message on Hinge to the first date - it's always been unusually effortless with N and i. 

maybe that's why i was so sad (and am always so sad) that we are so far apart for so long. the one time this relationship requires effort, and it requires ALL of it. it feels like, i've been tasked with putting on a production. i'm in charge, i can talk to other people about how hard it is, but ultimately, im in charge. we dont have budget for a script or for lights or for sound or for anything at all really, but what we have is an audience and the sense of responsibility that a director is expected to have over their production. i am so earnest about this task. i want to put on the best show possible - and it has nothing to do with the audience but has everything to do with me wanting this more than ever, dreaming about this opportunity, and being in love with the production (this analogy is strange... is N supposed to be the production?)

it's not to say our relationship is performative - believe me, i am self-aware and overthink-y enough to have ensured that i feel 100% sincere about my feelings. but now that hes gone, i do feel a bit like the relationship has been stripped of the fanfare and reduced to its most essential bits - 2 sentient beings and some feelings. 

i hold on to the memory of our relationship more so than the relationship itself in its current state (i.e. 2 pixelated faces on 10-minute WhatsApp calls) i find myself having to recall conversations where i felt a deep connection with him, or to look back on videos of us having sex, ignoring the sex itself and focusing on the way to touches my face tenderly, or scroll all the way up to our first conversations about having feelings for each other. sometimes, we can re-capture this feeling on calls together, and ultimately, i do love him enough without empirical reinforcement, but it makes me feel just a tad bit existential about what we have. 

but whats the alternative? a chaotic single life which includes prematurely sleeping with the right people and having dinner & drinks with the wrong people - coupled with the nagging feeling of, "is there something wrong with me?" but its not fair to think of what i have with N as the antithesis to singlehood. it doesnt feel fair, no... it feels too sacred to compare what we have to my past or to singlehood, or to think of the absence of a relationship with N at all - i just want to think of it within the universe of our relationship. 

so let's recap:

• I can't not be with N
• N can't not be apart from me for at least 5 months twice a year
• N's WiFi can't not be shitty and limited 
• My memory cant not be shitty 

whats a girl to do... 

ode to d___: remembering and forgetting

d and i matched roughly 5 years ago when i was 18 - i was in the thick of IB and i downloaded bumble after seeing my best friend use it. it was a fun distraction from the hullabaloo of studying. the details are kinda murky but d and i began chatting and there was an instant comfort - maybe because he wasnt trying to gEt in my pants like the other guys. d taught me SO much. initially, i thought i was the better looking one and the laws of physics meant that HE would fall for ME. but i was soon proven wrong. i think i started to develop some sort of feeling toward d - how could i not, we were chatting, sharing music, bantering on a daily basis. on the night before my ib exams, i couldnt sleep and somehow he ended up calling me up at like 2/3am and talking to me, calming me down. the perfect recipe to fall for someone! when i finally told d i liked (i would come to do this multiple times over the course of our friendship). once again im a lil iffy on the timelines but i soon came to know that he was in ABSOLUTE LOVE WITH SOMEONE. he tells me her name, i search her up and begin to think of her as my competitor - my beautiful competitor. i made myself feel bad over this, agonised over the fact that i wasnt pretty or interesting enough for this fella. over the years of our friendship, i would attempt to break it off because i was having a hard time trying to hold up my platonic end of the bargain (at one point, i had resorted to changing his contact name to: D___ (PLATONIC), hoping that the visual association would translate into an emotional and cerebral one). throughout all of this, it was always so hard for me to identify if i really liked d, if i liked the idea of him, if i was just attracted to what i couldnt have - i couldnt really resolve any of this even if i superficially thought so. then, something happened. d and i started fooling around and my 18-year old self felt so redeemed, validated and affirmed. i always took issue with the fact that he didnt like me - it didnt make sense that he didnt feel anything but a desire for friendship - throughout the years whenever i attempted to dissolve the friendship, he would come back and resurrect it. so finally, finally i got my 4 year delayed redemption - he AT LEAST found me physically attractive. it was also the first time i was actually friends with a sexual-ish partner. credit where credit is due, d thought me (maybe not intentionally) that someone could respect me as a person, appreciate my personality, AND be attracted to me. before this, all these things were affirmed in compartmentalised ways - manifesting in deep platonic friendships and the most superficial physical-based casual flings. d also inculcated in me a desire for a softer, gentler approach to the ~sexual~. so here we were, having our little trysts and maintaining our friendship (with bouts of flirtation). i knew d had feelings for someone, so i told him, i think i need you to tell me when those feelings get strong, break it to me in a gentle way and we can end things. credit where credit is due again, d did this after a few months and he DID do it in a respectful and gentle manner. so the question is, why did i feel bad, go to counselling, talk about it there, feel shitty and not reply / reciprocate his request to call and talk about it? here is a conversation between d, myself, my lower order self and my higher order self that i think encapsulates this - 

myself: me like u

d: ok but i dont like u, friends?

myself: ok i try 

lower order self: he doesnt like me wtf? am i not hot? arent i hotter than him? why is this happening?

- friendship on and off over 4 years -

myself: ok i can do this, we can be friends, ill stop being crazy 

d: youre not crazy but yay ok friends! 

- sudden flirtation on his part - 

lower order self / myself: what is going on... why is he giving me these signals 

d: *being cheeky*

myself: ok do u wanna make out or what

d: okie 

- we do ~stuff~ - 

d: i like someone but dw nothings gonna happen 

myself: can can, tell me when u wanna end this and go pursue something with her

higher order self: good job, you made the boundaries and u protect yourself. love u, get that booty. 

d: u sure u dont wanna stop now?

myself: nope lets keep going

- time passes - 

d: i like that girl can we end things (he says it in a nicer way than this haha)

myself: oh

lower order self: oh 

higher order self: oh 

lower order self: you have broken the association i have developed - d + me = me = validated sexually / physically 

myself: can i have some time

d: ok take time

- time passes -

d: talk?

myself: im busy 

- time passes - 

myself: talk?

d: its okay im over it 

- time passes - 

myself: sorry i ruined things 

d: its okay i have some opinions, ill reserve them so as to not hurt you

myself: okie thank u for the friendship over the years, bye

- friendship ends -

ok readers, can u see what i did?

in reality, d didnt do anything wrong. but i had an entire subtext playing in my head where d's actions were attached to how attractive i thought i was / what i conceived my worth to be. 

this realisation hit me like a TRUCK - i knew this on some level but for the first time i FELT it more palpably. ultimately, i did d dirty. i told him one thing and acted the other way. i blame myself but i also empathise and feel bad for myself and my misguided actions. 

i dont want to repeat what i did with d... or even b... and especially v (those who know, know)

i want my actions to be compatible with reality and cohere with the actions of someone who loves themselves

godspeed to me

An Evaluation of My Dates

my first date with V came at an opportune time - D and i had just ended our arrangement and i was feeling unwanted. it's not that i wanted to have something with D, on some level i was jealous that he had the ability to develop feelings for people and i wanted in on that wholesome shit, i was also just said that he took my cookie away (the cookie in question = making out). 

my counsellor said that it also sounded like the decision to end things was made by D - hes not wrong, i told D, if your feelings for her get intense, we'll call it off. this was my effort to exert control over a situation i didnt have control over. i didnt expect to be so upset, i told D i needed some time - i felt very much like an uncool, overemotional, irrational person. my middle name is anything but "chill". 

during the date with V, i tried my best to put anything regarding sex out of mind. i focused on getting to know him, talking about myself etc. we ended up talking a lot about his work, which i found very interesting - he kept pausing to ask me if i was bored by the topic. but no, i loved it, i ate up this mundane chit-chat shit! we sampled some beers, rated them and gawked at people who ordered the beers we hated. 

it was such a great date - super refreshing! i even felt a ~semblance~ of a connection, which i never do. then came, part 2, the main act, the part that always comes. 

he was walking me back to my dorm, after joking about being drunk, he went in for a kiss, and i froze. this was the antithesis to the nice-chill-good-girl-date i was seeking. immediately, my mind went to that place, that comfortable little nook, "he just wants you for your body sis". 

i was visibly kind of shaken up and he knew something was up. he kept trying to placate me with "its okay" and "dont overthink". was he being nice, was he missing the point or was he just trying to calm me down so we could continue on our kiss-walk??? the rest of the night was tainted by this. after rejecting his many advances, i eventually gave in - both because i was drunk and because i'd convinced myself that it was okay, and it was still possible to have a nice-chill-good-girl-date in spite of this.

ok date 2! lets try this again! clean slate! i had a long lunch with J, debating how this second date should be carried out. 

a combination of things i said and things he suggested culminated in our second date taking place at his apartment with gin and tonics. a mIsTAKE! i needed to take this date into the outside world. J made me realise that if i want to give this a real shot, these horn dogs need to be out in the open, out in the wild! but alas, my efforts to transport the date outside failed, "i thought i was making you GnTs at my place 😃",  he said, and the deal was sealed. i was afraid of coming across crazy. 

so we met up at Buona Vista MRT. i wont lie, i was really excited for the date, and i havent been excited about many boy things lately. we had some chit chat about school and work on the train, i almost fell and we decided to sit our asses down, we talked about accents - see? still some good girl date shit. then we got some food, and watched music videos on his TV. ok im not trying to racial profile but this other indian guy did the EXACT same thing, he pulled up his laptop and we watched a thousand MVs. 

eventually we settled on watching FRIENDS and doing some small cuddles on the couch. ok fine, thats okay, cuddles are still in the good girl territory. but soon his hands was plastered to my breasts. in my mind: "ok this is exactly what i thought would happen. what do i do? do i want this? am i fighting it because im trying to enact some idealised version of a date thats not realistic?".

honestly, our conversation prior to this wasnt going great. im not sure why. maybe we were both tired, maybe we got too comfortable and both werent making the kind of effort youre supposed to make on a date. and honestly, i suddenly had trouble understanding him, did his accent get thicker?! soon it was become pretty obvious how different we were. he talked about tomorrowland and some EDM concert thingy and i was like 👀ok that's not my jam, but i dont have to love everything he loves. so maybe it was the bland conversation that led me to think, ok at the very least i can get some physical affection out of this night. 

but ofc, cuddles dont end at cuddles. V is generally a sweet guy but when he's horny and lustful, he gets a little scary. he got on top of me and i was like no, no, no i dont want this. then he pulled back. he just kept switching on and off like that. 

we retreated to his bedroom cos his roommate was back. while i was changing into a big shirt of his, his switch flipped again. eventually we nestled into bed and watched FRIENDS again (yes, this is what i signed up for). we even talked about our impressions of each other. unlike the other people i meet, he didnt think i seemed mature beyond my age, he didnt mean that i was immature either, but just regular mature. i could believe this. i really didnt try to make myself seem better than i was. on our hangs, ive been quite candid and transparent. i said he seemed confident but also nervous, and then at one point i had nothing else to say about him, "you know, you seem, nice". 

he got handsy again, and i just gave in (i know how this sounds, it wasnt as bad as im portraying it, i couldve got up and left, and he did stop when i asked him to, but yes, it did seem like he was half listening to me). he touched me like a virgin - inexperienced hands wandering around the wrong areas and exerting too much force to give any sense of pleasure. i tried my best not to sound like a bitch but eventually i asked if he was a virgin. he said he wasnt but hadnt had much sex because he was in a long LDR (i didnt ask more). i was trying to avoid talking about our respective pasts, his romantic and mine sexual. he briefly mentioned going through a tough time at one point, and when i asked what happened he just sort of got awkward and shrugged it off. i said he didnt seem very comfortable at emotional things, and he kind of agreed. he fell asleep really fast but i laid awake, eyes wide open. ive always had trouble sleeping with someone else, sleeping in someone else's bed. when i eventually did get some shut eye, i had a strange dream - in my dream, he was in love with his roommate's girlfriend, and i was confused and hurt, and wanted to leave. 

we woke up, had awkward sexual activity, at one point i took his hand and told him step by step, what to do with my vagina. at another point, he secretly and very quietly jerked off. 

he made me a delicious breakfast and then walked me down to wait for my grab. 

i wanted to turn to him and ask, "didnt it seem like we connected more on our first date? do you feel like we have nothing to talk about? do you feel like we dont vibe at all?" but instead, i quietly and wordlessly held his hand and waited for SGT181C (i think). 

after that, he texted that he had a great time and told me to kill my essay so we could hang out again. 

should we go out again? i have no clue. part of me wants to attempt to reignite whatever semblance of connection we had the first time and go out in a very public place (i suggested the zoo and he didnt seem too keen). i have a tendency to write people off very fast, too fast, and regret it a little bit later when we become friends. i really dont know. i definitely dont want to be sexual with him again, but at the same time, i dont want to end things just yet? because maybe if i dig a little deeper and have more good girl dates with him, we could have something?

but then what? we have something but we still have this massive sexual incompatibility? 

i know im trying to prove something to myself. that im capable of being known and knowing someone else in a romantic context. i think im in search for this, and i want this more than i want an actual relationship. but, i cant have this without an actual relationship?

i feel like anyone who reads this would tell me not to see him again. i tried, i dug, but im digging a hole. move on? take another man break? try the same principle with other suitors and eventually see if something works out? focus on more important things like my career / my future? 

Breaking Point

Today, I had to sit and wonder once again, why doesn't this man respect me?

I am tired. I am done. 

I feel like I am screaming at men to respect me and I am so so tired. 

Somehow, respect for the sexual woman is such a struggle. 

Why does it feel like respect comes so much more easily for other women?

I had to lie down on my bed, between e-lectures, covering my eyes with my forearms and chanting, "you deserve to be respected, you deserve dignity, you do so much". I had to come out of that and realise I was wasting time. Time that could be spent feeling good about myself and continuing to do everything I need to do. 

On Loving Someone You Barely Know

R messaged with some bad news and i havent been able to get it out of my head.

so he hasnt been replying much lately, with other guys my defence mechanisms wouldve kicked in - okay dont look too eager, it seems like hes pulling away, time to play the game who have can act cooler; colder. but lets be real.. anyone who knows me knows i suck at being cold. and if he did pull away, it would absolute sense. we couldnt be physically further apart, and he has a full life with children and a job. out of everyone, all the other men ive encountered, he has the most legitimate reason to essentially... ignore me...

its funny. J has told me before: you should expect more, you shouldnt let them treat you like that, cut him off he sounds nasty.

my resistance to cutting these guys off at the first sign of aforementioned nasty behaviour was a mixture of wanting to believe in the good of people + being in denial that i wasnt being treated with respect.

where does this come from? how can i begin to unpack this? is it just something you learn with experience?

i feel so much love for R (i guess im not exactly in love with him). and i felt like that was wrong. i felt like i simply loved him for being kind to me. its honestly tiring to continuously question your feelings: are you only in love with the idea of him? is this just a case ~daddy issues~? is it because hes the first guy you feel secure with?

i honestly feel a lil crazy haha. ive been thinking about him and this bad incident of his the whole morning. the man doesnt like much in this world, i cant imagine what effect this would have on him. im touched that he let me in like this? maybe im blowing it out of proportion but he's only let me in on his emotions in the tiniest drips and drabs - can i blame him though. im just a young punk making a cameo appearance in the third act of his life hahah.

ive been thinking how i can get myself back to the Netherlands. is there an expiration date to this, or can we pick up from where we left off even years down the road? would he really be okay with him living with him for awhile or was that just something he said in the moment?

one little fantasy ive been holding onto is heading down there for a short stint - a job or internship or something - staying with him, getting domestic, cooking and watching things together, making myself scarce when his kids come to visit, popping over to Denmark to see my darling M or to London to see my beautiful aunt and cousins.

i feel like its such a waste that we had planned all these things to do together, and never got around to it. ofc i'd need some excuse (the internship/job) to underplay how crazy it'd be for me to fly 17 hours for a man i kinda barely know.

i keep saying "youre so beautiful" in my head. which is such a cheesy thing to think, but i feel that a lot about him?

okay so ultimately, this post is for anyone who feels crazy for loving someone they barely know. as with all things crazy, dont worry im one step ahead of you.

to R, with love

i was a casualty in the recent premature termination of exchange - the forceful eviction from a foreign land back to the home land.

why does it feel like the opposite?

right now i feel hopeless - i know this is a crazy, temporary, all-consuming feeling - i feel hopeless that i will ever love Singapore like i did before, now that ive had a taste of something so different.

ive had a taste of picturesque blue skies, alongside glistening canals, amongst the flurry of disgruntled bikers; ive had to fight against the cold harsh winds, unpredictable Parisian streets, gushes of rain blurring my vision.

ive been to a land where i dont feel different, out of the norm, ugly, even.

and R, of course no post would be complete without a guest appearance by a man who plays a part in my narrative.

A and I spoke a lot about how our fathers failed us, we constantly saw touching scenes of father and child, welling up at the loss of our own such innocence.

i dont want to think that this has anything to do wth R. i really hope not.

but if im forcing a narrative or a story arc out of this, this is the only way it makes sense for me?

why else would the universe send me into the comforting arms of a man twice my age?

i felt so safe with him, close to no second-guessing, for the first time, a man's words were not lines to be read in between, they were simply words.

"there were so many things i wanted to do with you" - was simply that.

its easy to romanticise the time we had together, it was too early for things to go shit as they routinely did. but part of me cant help but wonder, could it have just gotten better with time?

i think im done. im done looking for the hidden life lessons behind every male encounter. R makes me want to believe that sometimes good things can come to me, for no reason in particular.

i think i know how to be myself now, more importantly, i think ive learnt how to be enough for myself.

rushing home to cook a dish id been fantasising about earlier in the day, and settling down with my laptop to rewatch old shows that have a special place in my heart - ultimately, this was my favourite thing to do, miles away from home.


this was my first piece of writing about R:

ive taken a lover - sounds dramatic right.

JK.

so i started hanging out/having sex with this 43 year old guy. our first hang was very pleasant, we felt comfortable with each other very fast (the boredom and utter lack of connection with my previous date still looming over). but i feel a bit weird after having sex so im trying to make sense of it here. do my impulses reflect my true intentions? barely 20 minutes in we were seated, watching a random flock of flamingoes, and i initiate the physical with a "are you gonna kiss me?" - do i regret starting too soon? i feel more vulnerable with clothes on, where all we will have are our words and thoughts, not caresses and touches. have i grown so comfortable with communicating with men in this manner that i have lost my voice? or, does that just reflect my true intentions - maybe my mind doesn't want to engage with him? it doesn't see it is as worthwhile investment? why then, do i agonise over my inability to communicate. he said something strange about gender equality/feminism and i didn't know how to respond.

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im glad to have proven myself wrong. im glad he turned out to be a source of happy, of comfort. i will never forget him. i have the wrappers from our juice bottles. i dont want to forget what it was like being in his arms, his overwhelming scent, his forceful touch. but time will catch up with me, no matter how much i fight it. and soon this post will read as melodrama to me. but thats okay.