d and i matched roughly 5 years ago when i was 18 - i was in the thick of IB and i downloaded bumble after seeing my best friend use it. it was a fun distraction from the hullabaloo of studying. the details are kinda murky but d and i began chatting and there was an instant comfort - maybe because he wasnt trying to gEt in my pants like the other guys. d taught me SO much. initially, i thought i was the better looking one and the laws of physics meant that HE would fall for ME. but i was soon proven wrong. i think i started to develop some sort of feeling toward d - how could i not, we were chatting, sharing music, bantering on a daily basis. on the night before my ib exams, i couldnt sleep and somehow he ended up calling me up at like 2/3am and talking to me, calming me down. the perfect recipe to fall for someone! when i finally told d i liked (i would come to do this multiple times over the course of our friendship). once again im a lil iffy on the timelines but i soon came to know that he was in ABSOLUTE LOVE WITH SOMEONE. he tells me her name, i search her up and begin to think of her as my competitor - my beautiful competitor. i made myself feel bad over this, agonised over the fact that i wasnt pretty or interesting enough for this fella. over the years of our friendship, i would attempt to break it off because i was having a hard time trying to hold up my platonic end of the bargain (at one point, i had resorted to changing his contact name to: D___ (PLATONIC), hoping that the visual association would translate into an emotional and cerebral one). throughout all of this, it was always so hard for me to identify if i really liked d, if i liked the idea of him, if i was just attracted to what i couldnt have - i couldnt really resolve any of this even if i superficially thought so. then, something happened. d and i started fooling around and my 18-year old self felt so redeemed, validated and affirmed. i always took issue with the fact that he didnt like me - it didnt make sense that he didnt feel anything but a desire for friendship - throughout the years whenever i attempted to dissolve the friendship, he would come back and resurrect it. so finally, finally i got my 4 year delayed redemption - he AT LEAST found me physically attractive. it was also the first time i was actually friends with a sexual-ish partner. credit where credit is due, d thought me (maybe not intentionally) that someone could respect me as a person, appreciate my personality, AND be attracted to me. before this, all these things were affirmed in compartmentalised ways - manifesting in deep platonic friendships and the most superficial physical-based casual flings. d also inculcated in me a desire for a softer, gentler approach to the ~sexual~. so here we were, having our little trysts and maintaining our friendship (with bouts of flirtation). i knew d had feelings for someone, so i told him, i think i need you to tell me when those feelings get strong, break it to me in a gentle way and we can end things. credit where credit is due again, d did this after a few months and he DID do it in a respectful and gentle manner. so the question is, why did i feel bad, go to counselling, talk about it there, feel shitty and not reply / reciprocate his request to call and talk about it? here is a conversation between d, myself, my lower order self and my higher order self that i think encapsulates this -
myself: me like u
d: ok but i dont like u, friends?
myself: ok i try
lower order self: he doesnt like me wtf? am i not hot? arent i hotter than him? why is this happening?
- friendship on and off over 4 years -
myself: ok i can do this, we can be friends, ill stop being crazy
d: youre not crazy but yay ok friends!
- sudden flirtation on his part -
lower order self / myself: what is going on... why is he giving me these signals
d: *being cheeky*
myself: ok do u wanna make out or what
d: okie
- we do ~stuff~ -
d: i like someone but dw nothings gonna happen
myself: can can, tell me when u wanna end this and go pursue something with her
higher order self: good job, you made the boundaries and u protect yourself. love u, get that booty.
d: u sure u dont wanna stop now?
myself: nope lets keep going
- time passes -
d: i like that girl can we end things (he says it in a nicer way than this haha)
myself: oh
lower order self: oh
higher order self: oh
lower order self: you have broken the association i have developed - d + me = me = validated sexually / physically
myself: can i have some time
d: ok take time
- time passes -
d: talk?
myself: im busy
- time passes -
myself: talk?
d: its okay im over it
- time passes -
myself: sorry i ruined things
d: its okay i have some opinions, ill reserve them so as to not hurt you
myself: okie thank u for the friendship over the years, bye
- friendship ends -
ok readers, can u see what i did?
in reality, d didnt do anything wrong. but i had an entire subtext playing in my head where d's actions were attached to how attractive i thought i was / what i conceived my worth to be.
this realisation hit me like a TRUCK - i knew this on some level but for the first time i FELT it more palpably. ultimately, i did d dirty. i told him one thing and acted the other way. i blame myself but i also empathise and feel bad for myself and my misguided actions.
i dont want to repeat what i did with d... or even b... and especially v (those who know, know)
i want my actions to be compatible with reality and cohere with the actions of someone who loves themselves
godspeed to me
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