i just got off the phone with my boyfriend (after slightly more than 2 months, i'm finally able to say/type the word without feeling like an imposter), and he said he might need to extend his contract by a month. i've known this before - about the volatility of his industry and the changing schedules, but hearing it again tonight, on the cusp of the most emotional few days of the month, filled me with a deep sadness.
N works in an industry that requires the following:
- 5 or more months away from friends and family, travelling to various countries
- Vulnerability to bad weather which can result in the following:
- Not being in the physical state to call your girlfriend
- WiFi connection cutting out entirely
- A limit of 600MB of WiFi/data a day (we've estimated that a 45min video call wipes out 400MB)
- Regular shift work which means no phone use
- A job that makes you tired enough to want to nap during your free hours
right before i fell silent on the call, thinking about the added months away from him, i made N recall our first staycation together. it was a beautiful night. if ever i were to capture every aspect of a memory in our relationship - the tastes, the smells, the sounds, the touches, the temperatures - it would be this moment. it was on this night that N went from being that mildly-SIMPy-dude-that-i-might-be-spending-too-much-time-with to something more.
we realised that there wasn't an awkward moment between us - from the first message on Hinge to the first date - it's always been unusually effortless with N and i.
maybe that's why i was so sad (and am always so sad) that we are so far apart for so long. the one time this relationship requires effort, and it requires ALL of it. it feels like, i've been tasked with putting on a production. i'm in charge, i can talk to other people about how hard it is, but ultimately, im in charge. we dont have budget for a script or for lights or for sound or for anything at all really, but what we have is an audience and the sense of responsibility that a director is expected to have over their production. i am so earnest about this task. i want to put on the best show possible - and it has nothing to do with the audience but has everything to do with me wanting this more than ever, dreaming about this opportunity, and being in love with the production (this analogy is strange... is N supposed to be the production?)
it's not to say our relationship is performative - believe me, i am self-aware and overthink-y enough to have ensured that i feel 100% sincere about my feelings. but now that hes gone, i do feel a bit like the relationship has been stripped of the fanfare and reduced to its most essential bits - 2 sentient beings and some feelings.
i hold on to the memory of our relationship more so than the relationship itself in its current state (i.e. 2 pixelated faces on 10-minute WhatsApp calls) i find myself having to recall conversations where i felt a deep connection with him, or to look back on videos of us having sex, ignoring the sex itself and focusing on the way to touches my face tenderly, or scroll all the way up to our first conversations about having feelings for each other. sometimes, we can re-capture this feeling on calls together, and ultimately, i do love him enough without empirical reinforcement, but it makes me feel just a tad bit existential about what we have.
but whats the alternative? a chaotic single life which includes prematurely sleeping with the right people and having dinner & drinks with the wrong people - coupled with the nagging feeling of, "is there something wrong with me?" but its not fair to think of what i have with N as the antithesis to singlehood. it doesnt feel fair, no... it feels too sacred to compare what we have to my past or to singlehood, or to think of the absence of a relationship with N at all - i just want to think of it within the universe of our relationship.
so let's recap:
- I can't not be with N
- N can't not be apart from me for at least 5 months twice a year
- N's WiFi can't not be shitty and limited
- My memory cant not be shitty
whats a girl to do...
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