ode to d___: remembering and forgetting

d and i matched roughly 5 years ago when i was 18 - i was in the thick of IB and i downloaded bumble after seeing my best friend use it. it was a fun distraction from the hullabaloo of studying. the details are kinda murky but d and i began chatting and there was an instant comfort - maybe because he wasnt trying to gEt in my pants like the other guys. d taught me SO much. initially, i thought i was the better looking one and the laws of physics meant that HE would fall for ME. but i was soon proven wrong. i think i started to develop some sort of feeling toward d - how could i not, we were chatting, sharing music, bantering on a daily basis. on the night before my ib exams, i couldnt sleep and somehow he ended up calling me up at like 2/3am and talking to me, calming me down. the perfect recipe to fall for someone! when i finally told d i liked (i would come to do this multiple times over the course of our friendship). once again im a lil iffy on the timelines but i soon came to know that he was in ABSOLUTE LOVE WITH SOMEONE. he tells me her name, i search her up and begin to think of her as my competitor - my beautiful competitor. i made myself feel bad over this, agonised over the fact that i wasnt pretty or interesting enough for this fella. over the years of our friendship, i would attempt to break it off because i was having a hard time trying to hold up my platonic end of the bargain (at one point, i had resorted to changing his contact name to: D___ (PLATONIC), hoping that the visual association would translate into an emotional and cerebral one). throughout all of this, it was always so hard for me to identify if i really liked d, if i liked the idea of him, if i was just attracted to what i couldnt have - i couldnt really resolve any of this even if i superficially thought so. then, something happened. d and i started fooling around and my 18-year old self felt so redeemed, validated and affirmed. i always took issue with the fact that he didnt like me - it didnt make sense that he didnt feel anything but a desire for friendship - throughout the years whenever i attempted to dissolve the friendship, he would come back and resurrect it. so finally, finally i got my 4 year delayed redemption - he AT LEAST found me physically attractive. it was also the first time i was actually friends with a sexual-ish partner. credit where credit is due, d thought me (maybe not intentionally) that someone could respect me as a person, appreciate my personality, AND be attracted to me. before this, all these things were affirmed in compartmentalised ways - manifesting in deep platonic friendships and the most superficial physical-based casual flings. d also inculcated in me a desire for a softer, gentler approach to the ~sexual~. so here we were, having our little trysts and maintaining our friendship (with bouts of flirtation). i knew d had feelings for someone, so i told him, i think i need you to tell me when those feelings get strong, break it to me in a gentle way and we can end things. credit where credit is due again, d did this after a few months and he DID do it in a respectful and gentle manner. so the question is, why did i feel bad, go to counselling, talk about it there, feel shitty and not reply / reciprocate his request to call and talk about it? here is a conversation between d, myself, my lower order self and my higher order self that i think encapsulates this - 

myself: me like u

d: ok but i dont like u, friends?

myself: ok i try 

lower order self: he doesnt like me wtf? am i not hot? arent i hotter than him? why is this happening?

- friendship on and off over 4 years -

myself: ok i can do this, we can be friends, ill stop being crazy 

d: youre not crazy but yay ok friends! 

- sudden flirtation on his part - 

lower order self / myself: what is going on... why is he giving me these signals 

d: *being cheeky*

myself: ok do u wanna make out or what

d: okie 

- we do ~stuff~ - 

d: i like someone but dw nothings gonna happen 

myself: can can, tell me when u wanna end this and go pursue something with her

higher order self: good job, you made the boundaries and u protect yourself. love u, get that booty. 

d: u sure u dont wanna stop now?

myself: nope lets keep going

- time passes - 

d: i like that girl can we end things (he says it in a nicer way than this haha)

myself: oh

lower order self: oh 

higher order self: oh 

lower order self: you have broken the association i have developed - d + me = me = validated sexually / physically 

myself: can i have some time

d: ok take time

- time passes -

d: talk?

myself: im busy 

- time passes - 

myself: talk?

d: its okay im over it 

- time passes - 

myself: sorry i ruined things 

d: its okay i have some opinions, ill reserve them so as to not hurt you

myself: okie thank u for the friendship over the years, bye

- friendship ends -

ok readers, can u see what i did?

in reality, d didnt do anything wrong. but i had an entire subtext playing in my head where d's actions were attached to how attractive i thought i was / what i conceived my worth to be. 

this realisation hit me like a TRUCK - i knew this on some level but for the first time i FELT it more palpably. ultimately, i did d dirty. i told him one thing and acted the other way. i blame myself but i also empathise and feel bad for myself and my misguided actions. 

i dont want to repeat what i did with d... or even b... and especially v (those who know, know)

i want my actions to be compatible with reality and cohere with the actions of someone who loves themselves

godspeed to me

An Evaluation of My Dates

my first date with V came at an opportune time - D and i had just ended our arrangement and i was feeling unwanted. it's not that i wanted to have something with D, on some level i was jealous that he had the ability to develop feelings for people and i wanted in on that wholesome shit, i was also just said that he took my cookie away (the cookie in question = making out). 

my counsellor said that it also sounded like the decision to end things was made by D - hes not wrong, i told D, if your feelings for her get intense, we'll call it off. this was my effort to exert control over a situation i didnt have control over. i didnt expect to be so upset, i told D i needed some time - i felt very much like an uncool, overemotional, irrational person. my middle name is anything but "chill". 

during the date with V, i tried my best to put anything regarding sex out of mind. i focused on getting to know him, talking about myself etc. we ended up talking a lot about his work, which i found very interesting - he kept pausing to ask me if i was bored by the topic. but no, i loved it, i ate up this mundane chit-chat shit! we sampled some beers, rated them and gawked at people who ordered the beers we hated. 

it was such a great date - super refreshing! i even felt a ~semblance~ of a connection, which i never do. then came, part 2, the main act, the part that always comes. 

he was walking me back to my dorm, after joking about being drunk, he went in for a kiss, and i froze. this was the antithesis to the nice-chill-good-girl-date i was seeking. immediately, my mind went to that place, that comfortable little nook, "he just wants you for your body sis". 

i was visibly kind of shaken up and he knew something was up. he kept trying to placate me with "its okay" and "dont overthink". was he being nice, was he missing the point or was he just trying to calm me down so we could continue on our kiss-walk??? the rest of the night was tainted by this. after rejecting his many advances, i eventually gave in - both because i was drunk and because i'd convinced myself that it was okay, and it was still possible to have a nice-chill-good-girl-date in spite of this.

ok date 2! lets try this again! clean slate! i had a long lunch with J, debating how this second date should be carried out. 

a combination of things i said and things he suggested culminated in our second date taking place at his apartment with gin and tonics. a mIsTAKE! i needed to take this date into the outside world. J made me realise that if i want to give this a real shot, these horn dogs need to be out in the open, out in the wild! but alas, my efforts to transport the date outside failed, "i thought i was making you GnTs at my place 😃",  he said, and the deal was sealed. i was afraid of coming across crazy. 

so we met up at Buona Vista MRT. i wont lie, i was really excited for the date, and i havent been excited about many boy things lately. we had some chit chat about school and work on the train, i almost fell and we decided to sit our asses down, we talked about accents - see? still some good girl date shit. then we got some food, and watched music videos on his TV. ok im not trying to racial profile but this other indian guy did the EXACT same thing, he pulled up his laptop and we watched a thousand MVs. 

eventually we settled on watching FRIENDS and doing some small cuddles on the couch. ok fine, thats okay, cuddles are still in the good girl territory. but soon his hands was plastered to my breasts. in my mind: "ok this is exactly what i thought would happen. what do i do? do i want this? am i fighting it because im trying to enact some idealised version of a date thats not realistic?".

honestly, our conversation prior to this wasnt going great. im not sure why. maybe we were both tired, maybe we got too comfortable and both werent making the kind of effort youre supposed to make on a date. and honestly, i suddenly had trouble understanding him, did his accent get thicker?! soon it was become pretty obvious how different we were. he talked about tomorrowland and some EDM concert thingy and i was like 👀ok that's not my jam, but i dont have to love everything he loves. so maybe it was the bland conversation that led me to think, ok at the very least i can get some physical affection out of this night. 

but ofc, cuddles dont end at cuddles. V is generally a sweet guy but when he's horny and lustful, he gets a little scary. he got on top of me and i was like no, no, no i dont want this. then he pulled back. he just kept switching on and off like that. 

we retreated to his bedroom cos his roommate was back. while i was changing into a big shirt of his, his switch flipped again. eventually we nestled into bed and watched FRIENDS again (yes, this is what i signed up for). we even talked about our impressions of each other. unlike the other people i meet, he didnt think i seemed mature beyond my age, he didnt mean that i was immature either, but just regular mature. i could believe this. i really didnt try to make myself seem better than i was. on our hangs, ive been quite candid and transparent. i said he seemed confident but also nervous, and then at one point i had nothing else to say about him, "you know, you seem, nice". 

he got handsy again, and i just gave in (i know how this sounds, it wasnt as bad as im portraying it, i couldve got up and left, and he did stop when i asked him to, but yes, it did seem like he was half listening to me). he touched me like a virgin - inexperienced hands wandering around the wrong areas and exerting too much force to give any sense of pleasure. i tried my best not to sound like a bitch but eventually i asked if he was a virgin. he said he wasnt but hadnt had much sex because he was in a long LDR (i didnt ask more). i was trying to avoid talking about our respective pasts, his romantic and mine sexual. he briefly mentioned going through a tough time at one point, and when i asked what happened he just sort of got awkward and shrugged it off. i said he didnt seem very comfortable at emotional things, and he kind of agreed. he fell asleep really fast but i laid awake, eyes wide open. ive always had trouble sleeping with someone else, sleeping in someone else's bed. when i eventually did get some shut eye, i had a strange dream - in my dream, he was in love with his roommate's girlfriend, and i was confused and hurt, and wanted to leave. 

we woke up, had awkward sexual activity, at one point i took his hand and told him step by step, what to do with my vagina. at another point, he secretly and very quietly jerked off. 

he made me a delicious breakfast and then walked me down to wait for my grab. 

i wanted to turn to him and ask, "didnt it seem like we connected more on our first date? do you feel like we have nothing to talk about? do you feel like we dont vibe at all?" but instead, i quietly and wordlessly held his hand and waited for SGT181C (i think). 

after that, he texted that he had a great time and told me to kill my essay so we could hang out again. 

should we go out again? i have no clue. part of me wants to attempt to reignite whatever semblance of connection we had the first time and go out in a very public place (i suggested the zoo and he didnt seem too keen). i have a tendency to write people off very fast, too fast, and regret it a little bit later when we become friends. i really dont know. i definitely dont want to be sexual with him again, but at the same time, i dont want to end things just yet? because maybe if i dig a little deeper and have more good girl dates with him, we could have something?

but then what? we have something but we still have this massive sexual incompatibility? 

i know im trying to prove something to myself. that im capable of being known and knowing someone else in a romantic context. i think im in search for this, and i want this more than i want an actual relationship. but, i cant have this without an actual relationship?

i feel like anyone who reads this would tell me not to see him again. i tried, i dug, but im digging a hole. move on? take another man break? try the same principle with other suitors and eventually see if something works out? focus on more important things like my career / my future? 

Breaking Point

Today, I had to sit and wonder once again, why doesn't this man respect me?

I am tired. I am done. 

I feel like I am screaming at men to respect me and I am so so tired. 

Somehow, respect for the sexual woman is such a struggle. 

Why does it feel like respect comes so much more easily for other women?

I had to lie down on my bed, between e-lectures, covering my eyes with my forearms and chanting, "you deserve to be respected, you deserve dignity, you do so much". I had to come out of that and realise I was wasting time. Time that could be spent feeling good about myself and continuing to do everything I need to do. 

On Loving Someone You Barely Know

R messaged with some bad news and i havent been able to get it out of my head.

so he hasnt been replying much lately, with other guys my defence mechanisms wouldve kicked in - okay dont look too eager, it seems like hes pulling away, time to play the game who have can act cooler; colder. but lets be real.. anyone who knows me knows i suck at being cold. and if he did pull away, it would absolute sense. we couldnt be physically further apart, and he has a full life with children and a job. out of everyone, all the other men ive encountered, he has the most legitimate reason to essentially... ignore me...

its funny. J has told me before: you should expect more, you shouldnt let them treat you like that, cut him off he sounds nasty.

my resistance to cutting these guys off at the first sign of aforementioned nasty behaviour was a mixture of wanting to believe in the good of people + being in denial that i wasnt being treated with respect.

where does this come from? how can i begin to unpack this? is it just something you learn with experience?

i feel so much love for R (i guess im not exactly in love with him). and i felt like that was wrong. i felt like i simply loved him for being kind to me. its honestly tiring to continuously question your feelings: are you only in love with the idea of him? is this just a case ~daddy issues~? is it because hes the first guy you feel secure with?

i honestly feel a lil crazy haha. ive been thinking about him and this bad incident of his the whole morning. the man doesnt like much in this world, i cant imagine what effect this would have on him. im touched that he let me in like this? maybe im blowing it out of proportion but he's only let me in on his emotions in the tiniest drips and drabs - can i blame him though. im just a young punk making a cameo appearance in the third act of his life hahah.

ive been thinking how i can get myself back to the Netherlands. is there an expiration date to this, or can we pick up from where we left off even years down the road? would he really be okay with him living with him for awhile or was that just something he said in the moment?

one little fantasy ive been holding onto is heading down there for a short stint - a job or internship or something - staying with him, getting domestic, cooking and watching things together, making myself scarce when his kids come to visit, popping over to Denmark to see my darling M or to London to see my beautiful aunt and cousins.

i feel like its such a waste that we had planned all these things to do together, and never got around to it. ofc i'd need some excuse (the internship/job) to underplay how crazy it'd be for me to fly 17 hours for a man i kinda barely know.

i keep saying "youre so beautiful" in my head. which is such a cheesy thing to think, but i feel that a lot about him?

okay so ultimately, this post is for anyone who feels crazy for loving someone they barely know. as with all things crazy, dont worry im one step ahead of you.

to R, with love

i was a casualty in the recent premature termination of exchange - the forceful eviction from a foreign land back to the home land.

why does it feel like the opposite?

right now i feel hopeless - i know this is a crazy, temporary, all-consuming feeling - i feel hopeless that i will ever love Singapore like i did before, now that ive had a taste of something so different.

ive had a taste of picturesque blue skies, alongside glistening canals, amongst the flurry of disgruntled bikers; ive had to fight against the cold harsh winds, unpredictable Parisian streets, gushes of rain blurring my vision.

ive been to a land where i dont feel different, out of the norm, ugly, even.

and R, of course no post would be complete without a guest appearance by a man who plays a part in my narrative.

A and I spoke a lot about how our fathers failed us, we constantly saw touching scenes of father and child, welling up at the loss of our own such innocence.

i dont want to think that this has anything to do wth R. i really hope not.

but if im forcing a narrative or a story arc out of this, this is the only way it makes sense for me?

why else would the universe send me into the comforting arms of a man twice my age?

i felt so safe with him, close to no second-guessing, for the first time, a man's words were not lines to be read in between, they were simply words.

"there were so many things i wanted to do with you" - was simply that.

its easy to romanticise the time we had together, it was too early for things to go shit as they routinely did. but part of me cant help but wonder, could it have just gotten better with time?

i think im done. im done looking for the hidden life lessons behind every male encounter. R makes me want to believe that sometimes good things can come to me, for no reason in particular.

i think i know how to be myself now, more importantly, i think ive learnt how to be enough for myself.

rushing home to cook a dish id been fantasising about earlier in the day, and settling down with my laptop to rewatch old shows that have a special place in my heart - ultimately, this was my favourite thing to do, miles away from home.


this was my first piece of writing about R:

ive taken a lover - sounds dramatic right.

JK.

so i started hanging out/having sex with this 43 year old guy. our first hang was very pleasant, we felt comfortable with each other very fast (the boredom and utter lack of connection with my previous date still looming over). but i feel a bit weird after having sex so im trying to make sense of it here. do my impulses reflect my true intentions? barely 20 minutes in we were seated, watching a random flock of flamingoes, and i initiate the physical with a "are you gonna kiss me?" - do i regret starting too soon? i feel more vulnerable with clothes on, where all we will have are our words and thoughts, not caresses and touches. have i grown so comfortable with communicating with men in this manner that i have lost my voice? or, does that just reflect my true intentions - maybe my mind doesn't want to engage with him? it doesn't see it is as worthwhile investment? why then, do i agonise over my inability to communicate. he said something strange about gender equality/feminism and i didn't know how to respond.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

im glad to have proven myself wrong. im glad he turned out to be a source of happy, of comfort. i will never forget him. i have the wrappers from our juice bottles. i dont want to forget what it was like being in his arms, his overwhelming scent, his forceful touch. but time will catch up with me, no matter how much i fight it. and soon this post will read as melodrama to me. but thats okay.

when things dont go your way for the 700th time

the universe has taken upon itself to ensure that i cease online dating
for the umpteenth time, something has not gone my way. i finally realise why this was is and continues to be so upsetting. it is a cognitive dissonance of sorts. when what you imagine and what happens in reality completely mismatch - like a mini shock to your system.

my butt is a blessing and a curse, but mostly a curse
i feel like a pornstar who's trying to break out of the scene and change her line of work. there is for sure an element of self sabotage and lack of control on my part. perhaps the ideal hang/bang situation i envision is not something that can even happen - for anyone.

having sex does not mean i deserve less respect  
i fear that i have grown accustom to inherently distrusting men. recently after sexting, a guy said he had a family emergency, wasnt in a good place and didnt want to meet anymore. my deep distrust led me to actually entertain the thought that he could be lying, and even im being honest, 5% of me still thinks that. which makes me ugly honestly. this distrust can manifest in a self-centeredness that i resent.

i am running out of lessons to learn 
i feel like ive learnt every lesson out there. ive nursed the hurt from being ghosted, from him liking someone else and from a simple lack of reciprocity.

the. irony. of. just. wanting. to. have. sex. with. someone. i. vibe. with. 
what does this connote? hassle free, problem free, light, easy.
what does this entail? uncertainty, lack of closure, ambiguity.

stop having sex?
starting to believe that this is the answer. perhaps, yes, it does feed into the madonna-whore complex. but i am also just utterly tired. so maybe i stop fighting, stop trying to defy the norm.

why online dating makes me wanna cry

WAIT, I THOUGHT THIS BITCH WAS ON A HIATUS? WHAT SHE DOIN BACK ONLINE?

i shall begin with a small story time (i wish i had the balls to actually do videos and post them online but the possibility of working in government/as a teacher looms over me).

after a 9/10 month dating app hiatus (except for that one time i had a mini breakdown while studying for finals and used tinder web for a few minutes), i finally found myself typing up "bumble.com" in my search bar one fateful afternoon (after promising my lunch buddy "ya ok what you say makes sense, i wont go back to the apps"). what possessed me to do this? most likely a combination of boredom and desire for male attention. i selected my pictures - picture 1: cute picture of me in sunlight taken by D, picture 2: a quirky picture of me laughing and showing off me b00ty taken by B and picture 3: a simple cute smiley photo of me against some foliage (lets see if you can already spot my rookie mistake).

after swiping right on every guy for awhile (i was trying to leave it up to fate rather than choice) bumble finally stopped me with its right-swiping-limit and i went to bed. the next day i woke to a bunch of matches and naturally, felt validated - they like me !

but then came scrolling through and deciding who to actually talk to (still prefer this to being bombarded with 50 "hi how are you"s - 50? i exaggerate, im cute but not 50-messages-on-tinder-cute).

so look, im not trying to be racist or xenophobic, but i was trying to sieve out the guys who might be from india. as someone who likes brown dudes, i have not-so-unintentionally gone out with AND slept with more men from india than i have from singapore. tried and tested, i havent exactly gotten along with them - we always reach a wall, especially when it comes to humour. i dont have much luck in dating as it is so i just wanted increase probability of vibing by talking to sinGaporean men. so that was my little prelude, please dont get me wrong dear readers.

WHO AM I?

so i deliver some quality bantery messages to a handful of guys - top notch stuff. but then i realise, i've forgotten how to talk to boys. sending the first message is like composing a tweet, one-way, quippy, funny, more so for your entertainment. but once they reply, it becomes a two-way thing.

suddenly im stuck.

stumped.

to the guy with the bio "the best indian you'll ever takeaway" do i say, "yeah i love eating indian food if you know what i mean ;)" - because thats my default! innuendo-riddled sexy fun timez messages! but no, thats not what we're doing anymore. we're trying to nOT have meaningless sex with strangers remember. so... what do i do, what do i say? i went on a date with a guy (with whom i am now pals with, shout out to you D!), and he told me i was coming off too strong with the whole "tell me how you REALLY feel, who are you REALLY", so i was trying not to veer into that either. avoid the extremes! so this was obstacle number 1: how the fuck am i supposed to be my authentic self...

i decided: dont put so much pressure on what youre saying exactly, just have the right intentions

the right intentions being: get to know him, not bone him

and with that i merrily chatted with a few suitors

WHO ARE THEY AND WHAT THE HELL DO THEY WANT FROM ME? 

one guy in particular catches my attention. our conversation flows really easily (its indian takeaway man). we move to telegram real fast (i was hesitant but i was also trying not to second guess things too much, "go with the flow" as the kids say). i made it a point to not explicitly say, "oh im looking to vibe with someone and then possibly have sex with them" - in the past ive been very upfront with my intentions, but ive learnt that this kind of robs the connection of genuinely developing. instead of actually engaging with them, i have an internal checklist of what should/shouldnt happen. so this time, im free and easy (not like THAT).

after a few messages, i realise he's being a bit overtly flirty with the "hey sexy"s and "is that ass real", but okay, i excuse it because he also asks more innocuous questions like, "what do you look for in a guy" and "what're you up to". i dont encourage the flirty messages, i deflect them by asking more questions instead (nice one girl, there was a time when you wouldve jumped on the opportunity to send someone a naked picture). i pat myself on the back for being a good converser with this man. eventually we decide to meet and THAT'S when things get hella confusing.

firstly, he refuses to pick me up even though its along the way. is this a red flag? am i asking for too much? should i insist on it to make a statement about what kind of girl i am?

secondly, upon meeting he cannot. shut. up. about how pretty i am. yall, im not trying to be self-deprecating, i know i am pretty and hot and all, but no one has gone on and on about it like him. it confused me more so than validated me.

thirdly, all this below:
so after grabbing my hand a few times in the car and interlocking his with mine, we get to mount faber. i think to myself: great, we can walk and talk, and attempt to get to know each other. but then, all hell breaks loose. fella keeps touching my ass, says weird things like "do you know how many other girls i cancelled on to meet you, i wanted to see if that ass was real". i thoroughly regretted my cheeky (pun always intended) ass pic immediately.

the thing is, i really wouldnt mind something casual. i would just like to talk first and establish some vibing before getting into that. at this point, i was sick of being sexualised, i dont need it no more! but, he's hella cute and very attractive despite all this, and i proceed to engage in risque activity with him. i apologise to my country for soiling mount faber like this!

some particularly weird moments during said activity:
- him grabbing my neck and pulling me into his face to kiss him, ignoring my "your hurting me"s
- him kissing me while i was mid-sentence
- him talking a lot about himself (this one i didnt hate, but i'd like to be asked questions too)
- his dogged insistence on fixing my jaw even though i said no multiple times (he proceeded to semi-erotically coerce me into opening and closing my mouth while he pressed on my jaw. only a man has the confidence to play doctor amirite)
- him doing other stuff despite me saying no multiple times

to his credit: maybe i wasnt saying no convincingly enough. maybe i did actually want it? maybe i was distracted because he was cute. i really dont know.

even though i didnt want to, i launched into a small monologue about how i was trying to change my ways, but it was met with indifference.

okay so thats all he wanted, to have sex with me. noted.

THE AMBIGUITY, THE FUCKING AMBIGUITY 

okay so the next day, fully aware of what he wants, i think to myself, "maybe having a fk buddy before i fly off isnt such a bad thing". i ask him if he wants to meet up and im met with a cold, disinterested message.

i shouldnt let this get to me right? but i did. not because he "rejected" me, but because i was upset with myself.

had i undone my 9-10 months of work? all the growing i was trying to do? 10 months later and i end up in the exact position that prompted me to go on a hiatus in the first place.

my mini spiral leads me to question, am i even capable of letting a man get to know me and getting to know a man (in a non-platonic capacity ofc, shout out to my male friends reading this, love yall boos)?

i am fed up with being in these positions. the grayest of gray situationships where being treated like a human being is a delightful surprise more so than the status quo and where i am always in a state of confusion as to who i am or what i want.

THE END 

so i go home. delete his messages and telegram contact. delete my bumble.com account. and meet my friend for gengki sushi to nurse my sadness.

and folks, this is why dating apps make me wanna cry.